RIDGE RUNNER CHRONICLES: “Grandpa?”
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By, Bill Hoagland
I answered our land line recently with a “hello” and was greeted by a soft-spoken female voice with just one word—“Grandpa”? I responded with a “Yes” and was advised by this young voice that this is “your oldest granddaughter” at the other end of the line. Normally, when getting a call like this, you probably would blurt out the actual name of your oldest granddaughter. And if you did that, you would then be told by “your oldest granddaughter” that she had been arrested and was now in jail, and needs money immediately in order to get bailed out.
The problem for “my oldest granddaughter” on this particular call was two-fold. First, I have been to this rodeo more than once so I knew what was coming next. Second, “my oldest granddaughter” had somehow picked up a foreign accent. None of my granddaughters have a foreign accent. So instead of blurting out the real name of my “oldest granddaughter”, I said “Is this Kukamonga”? I prefer in this type of scam call to use strange names that have four syllables because if “my oldest granddaughter” stays on the line with me long enough, she will have to spell her name so that I can send the money. But I am getting ahead of myself. When told that she is in jail, I intentionally over-react with a “shrek” of dismay and then I start firing lots of questions: Did she not find the proof of insurance in the glove compartment? Was she drinking those high energy drinks again? Does this mean the lobotomy did not take? Usually, the conversation ends when “my oldest granddaughter” can’t spell her first name that I need in order to send the money.
Annie wonders why I stay on the line with these scammers. Well, as she knows, my genetic code requires that I be a jerk from time to time, especially when scammers call on the land line. But beyond that, the fact that these scammers continue to fool someone out of their money (despite the alarm bell of their “oldest granddaughter” having a foreign accent) means that some poor soul is being ripped off thanks to a bad hearing aid or worse. If I can keep “my oldest granddaughter” on the phone for five minutes, maybe that means she has one less person to scam.
Wouldn’t it be great if the folks who run the dark web and who sold our phone numbers to the scammers would be willing to sell us the cell and home phone numbers for the scammers?
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■ Bill Hoagland has practiced law in Alton for more than 50 years, but he has spent more than 70 years hunting, fishing and generally being in the great outdoors. His wife, Annie, shares his love of the outdoor life. Much of their spare time is spent on their farm in Calhoun County. Bill can be reached at [email protected].
